does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
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he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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