i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
