I wish my penis had an off switch
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
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You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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