Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
someone owes me an orgasm
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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