I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
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I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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