She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she told me i tasted like america
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
