What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
