saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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