1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
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I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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