I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
