I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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