Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
