Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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