I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
