I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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