you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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