My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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