Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
