i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So much rum. So many feels.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
