about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
