i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
