two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
