she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
