If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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