It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
