I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
