I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
