We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
