So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
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Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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