He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
