so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
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