Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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