I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
