God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
