he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
