Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
