i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
