she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
