I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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