ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
