i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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