Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
