We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.