I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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