I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
