youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT