Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
