I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
