I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
