you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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