btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
