I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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