Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
