Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
