If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
