I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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