I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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