____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
