Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
