i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
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Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
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She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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