he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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