i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
