just tell him i said nine months
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
